The tale of a Loose Man

The only thing Kcee ever talks about is women, sex and his girlfriend. With time, conversations with him became boring and monotonous. He would not give you the opportunity to share your own experiences, yet he won't give your ears a break from his chain of monotonous sexcapades. He knew all the girls in the neighbourhood, their histories, whom they had dated, how loose each of them were and how much it would cost for them to spread their legs like butter on your bread. One time, I even saw a very beautiful young girl and enquired about her history from the ladies archives beside me, Kcee didn't fail to live up to expectation as he acutely downloaded the girl's biography, starting from her age, how she used to bathe nude as a child, and how he watched her grow pubic hairs and other good things of womanhood.

Reminiscing what I'm missing

This morning, i wake with my eyes red and my will sore. I had stayed up late into the night, keeping the PlayStation company, whilst denying my eyes of its well deserved closure and the rest of my mortal flesh its needed rest. Its barely two minutes since the rest of my family filed out in disarray, all headed towards the car and Church. Luckily for me, they took all the noise in the house along with them, leaving me with my ever fond companion; silence.

An interview with someone currently in Jigawa camp - by Onyeoziri Favour

This is an exclusive interview by Onyeoziri Favour with someone currently at the Jigawa Camp. Courtesy of Rouvafe.blogspot.com.

I know that many people have been very curious to know exactly what the Jigawa camp looks like, others also have several unanswered questions regarding the camp, so in other to satisfy your curiosity  and mine, i took out my time to interview this Corper who is currently at the Jigawa orientation camp and this is what he had to say about Life in the camp. I hope you find this information helpful.

Rouvafe: How has camp been so far?
Kaylords: Jigawa has been tough and rough. It hasn't been easy Bro

Rouvafe: Finally u came online. Thank God
Kaylords: Lol. The soldiers no give us rest at all

Rouvafe: Sorry, it would soon be over
Kaylords: Thanks

Rouvafe: please which network is the best in Jigawa camp?
Kaylords: No network is good here. The network is usually fair at midnight.

Rouvafe: I heard Etisalat is good there?
Kaylords: In fact you no go even get time to browse in day time. I only have time to chat with you now because we are currently on inter-platoon parade.

Rouvafe: God help us. How is the weather over there?
Kaylords: The sun over here is like hell fire.

Rouvafe: Wow. How do one get drinking water?
Kaylords: There is sachet water in abundance here, the only downside is that its always hot due to the hot weather.

Rouvafe: How about electricity?
Kaylords: There is no power supply here,
I will advice you to buy a good power bank, because right now, its only my power bank that i use to charge my phone.

Rouvafe: I heard power is constant in many other camps across the country.
Kaylords: PHCN here is very bad, we spend most of the day outside on the parade ground. However, the camp generator usually comes on for only two hours at night.

Rouvafe: So just two hours power supply a day?
Kaylords: I only know about night. I cannot say for daytime, because we spend most of the daytime on the parade ground.

Rouvafe: You mean that you spend the whole day on the parade ground without any time allotted for resting?
Kaylords: Just two hours rest in the afternoon and that is usually without electricity.

Rouvafe: Chai
Kaylords: Yap

Rouvafe: I don enter am
Kaylords: Lol

Rouvafe: How about the camp environment, is it OK?
Kaylords: I will advice you to buy a good body cream which you will use at night, because the heat wont let you use body cream during the day. Aside the heat, everywhere is good.

Rouvafe: Is there cold at night?
Kaylords: No cold at all, the weather is always hot. Every night we have to wet our beds with water to make it cold.

Rouvafe: Wow
Kaylords: My guy, I mean every word I tell you.

Rouvafe: Are the toilet & bath facilities good?
Kaylords: Yea, even the hostels are nice.

Rouvafe: How about redeployment,
Can someone redeploy from Jigawa citing security concerns?
Kaylords: No

Rouvafe: What of Gombe?
Kaylords: Yes

Kaylords: Were you deployed to Gombe?
Rouvafe: Yes

Kaylords: your orientation camp will be at Jigawa
Rouvafe: Yea, i know

Rouvafe: So is there any other useful information that i need to know about the Jigawa camp?
Kaylords: Yes. Just make sure you come with enough money.

Rouvafe: Ok Sir, Like how much is ideal?
Kaylords: about ten thousand naira.

For any further enquiries, comments and suggestions, drop your comments in the comments box below. You can also contact me at favouronyeoziri@gmail.com or through bbm at 7c6f5de2

Warning! People are turning into Robots

Mass culture and cliché

Everyone goes to school, everyone wants to sing and make big bucks like wiz kid and Davido, every boy out there wants to play their way through the streets of Berger to the top flight football clubs in Europe, everyman believes most women are in relationships for money, every woman believes that any man who as much as accidentally looks their direction on the street wants to take them to bed, every politician is corrupt, Christians must attend church on Sunday, you cannot succeed in an examination without cheating, men have to ask women out on dates all the time, Women have to stay at home and take care of the children. Please give me a break, I am tired of the Cliches!

If we accept that the Merriam-Webster dictionary is any authority at all on the English language, then we may approve of its definition of Cliché to mean; "Something, most often a phrase or expression, that is overused or used outside its original context, so that its original impact and meaning are lost. A trite saying; a platitude. [from 19th c.]"

Jide Runs Mad - The NYSC Chronicles

The Soldiers couldn't just comprehend how someone could be so lazy and weak. They could clearly remember the years before they joined the military, even as young civilians, they were very hardworking and engaged their youthfulness in physically exhilarating activities. Okon still remember how at the young age of fourteen, his father had already assigned him two acres of farmland in their native village at Cross rivers.

 

Farming and fishing were the predominant occupation of his people, therefore he quickly inherited both occupations from his father. By five in the morning, his whole family would wake up, wash their faces, arms and feet, then head to the farm which was about five kilometers away from their residence. They usually returned just before the sun went to sleep, then spent about  three hours fishing from late night till early the next morning. Okon knew that by the age of nineteen when he finally joined the Nigerian military, he was already a hardened young man, roughened and rugged from the lifelong engagement in farming and fishing, the escapades into the forest for dry cooking wood in the rainforest area of Cross river was an experience which haunted him everyday.

 

The three soldiers just watched Jide, a forlorn expression written on his face, and with a pitiful piece of paper on his hands. He claimed that the paper was proof of his initial claim of feeling sickly and therefore unable to participate in the everyday, early morning parade ritual. This was not their first time of

Ambassadors of promiscuity - The NYSC chronicles part 5

My last post on this blog primarily featured two young men in one of the orientation camps who were caught having sex and were decamped, although in a very quiet manner.

However the case seems to be the opposite in Akwa Ibom state, where a heterosexual couple were caught in the act and were allowed to go unpunished because of the political influence of one of the parents.

It was barely nine-thirty in the evening and many corpers were either loitering around or gossiping at Mami market which was the social hub of the orientation camp. Today was the fifth day since the resumption of camp for we Batch A Corpers, therefore many of us had made new friends from the horde of youths who were sent here for the three weeks orientation course. While some of us were still on the platonic stage of knowing each other, a few others progressed with lightning speed and were already referring to themselves with the glorified title of 'Boyfriend' and 'Girlfriend', i couldn't help but watch in awe, how possible it was for so much love to have bred within the short time frame of five days, especially with consideration extended to the fact that most of the time, we were at one parade, lecture or camp activity, thereby having very little time for socialization and chit-chats.

Sex in the camp - The NYSC chronicles part 4

Sex in the camp - Introduction

It appears that last night, Saturday 9th May 2015, there was a widespread party across many NYSC camps throughout the federation. While some camps such as Lagos were having a fun time, others like Kogi and Abuja seemed to have been grossly disappointing.

The Corpers in Kogi who were all happy at the prospect of an impending party, were disappointed when the barely an hour show ended without them having had any fun at all. In the words of Cynthia; one of the Corpers, the party which lasted between 9-10pm was "boring and stupid". While other camps were graced with the presence of top notch music arts and comedians, those in Kogi state had only the presence of native dancers supported by the merry children of the Women at Mammy market.

Ogun state camp was graced with the presence of Davido and Lil Kesh, while Oyo state camp had Ayo Adesanya, Bash the comedian and Adetoun of project fame in attendance, Davido was live in Taraba to the much delight of the Corpers, while on a lighter note, Zaki reportedly made a torchlight appearance at Katsina camp. I purposely left-out Lagos camp, because it was a huge concert there and everyone who is anyone in the Nigerian entertainment space was in attendance, Basket Mouth not excluded. Just for your information also, Lagos camp is just a scam compared to what other Corpers are facing in other states, in-fact majority of the Lagos Corpers have rightly asserted that they are not in camp, but were in-fact having a 'Faaji' (Festival).

Sex in the camp - full gist

Tonight, Musa could not be swayed by the appealing crispness of five one thousand Naira notes, neither was his ear audible to the pleas of such an atrocious duo. If it were under sharia law, both perpetrators would have been stoned until life exited their immoral bodies, but tonight, that would not be the case.

Can we really trust NYSC food? - The NYSC chronicles part 3

"If i hear say i chop tuwo" was the first thing i heard immediately she picked my call. Upon further enquiry, i realised that she was actually replying one of her fellow Corpers who had asked her if she was interested in the dinner being offered that night; Tuwo.

I don't know about every single camp in the country, but i sincerely hope that part of the acculturation process does not involve forcing Corpers to eat the local dishes of their host communities. Else, why would you offer Tuwo to an Edo girl who had spent a better part of her life in Lagos. I guess this is just one of those dynamics of NYSC which may never be fully demystified.

Banquet of Joy - a Poem

On May 2nd 2015, my friend Uthman Idris wedded his lovely wife Yetunde. This occasion inspired this poem.

A banquet of Joy

This evening, my feet is weary from elephantiasis of happiness.
The light of day had witnessed my epileptic dance moves.

And the dimming evening light had sneaked a last peek at my writhing body.
Immersed in a body of salty sweat pores, my clothe reeked of happiness and exuberance.

This night, i sit with beautiful memories on my right and an iced sachet of water in my hands.
The cool evening breeze warms my dipping spirit,
as i await the power company to restore electricity.

I'm used to waiting in an eternity of darkness, in exchange for a dusk of electricity.
I taste the excitement of the day on my lips, a friend had wedded.

Written by Onyeoziri Favour

Today, I'm posting a story centred around the theme of society and prejudice, it is titled "A sound in the ocean of silence"

A sound in the ocean of silence

She put the finishing touch to the blur of red lipstick decorating her lustrous lips, then uses the make-over brush to highlight the pink mascara on her cheeks. At the age of thirty, she was beginning to feel the impact of her ageing skin. Most of her friends were married with kids but it seemed that cupid had a personal grudge against her, and in consequence had effectively sent every man that came her way packing. These days, she no longer put up the coyness which used to pervade her response to any man who approached her for any reason at all. As the years progressed fewer men bothered with her company, it seemed age had put on dog ears around the edges of her beauty and her attractiveness had gradually waned with each birthday she celebrated. Today, just like every other day within the past three years, she had woken up very optimistic about meeting a man of her dreams who would not engage her in a long ceremonious period of dating but would rather find in her a perfect woman worth marrying within a short period of three months. Over the years she had realised that men were more attracted to what they saw more than what they experienced through the other four senses. Therefore, she had learnt to take appropriate and sometimes extreme steps to appear rather appealing both in facial appearance and in her apparels.

The NYSC chronicles - They won’t let me go

They won’t let me go

The Internet Café was fully packed with people, there was barely room for one to shuffle from one end of the small room to the other. shoulders brushed against each other, and foots just scratched the floor in a semi-futile attempt by people to move from their monitor screens to the single central Desk-jet printer which served the whole of the over fifteen computer systems, housed in this public internet access facility, which most people in Nigeria refer to as ‘business centre’.

Although I woke late that fateful Thursday morning, I was less perturbed about time and schedules since I had no structured job to clock into and out of, every other morning and evening. Today, I just decided to rest from all sorts of work whatsoever, I just wanted it to be my personal holiday, the only difference being that I would not be travelling, going to the Cinemas or indulging friends in sports and drinks. Today was supposed to be my personal, sit-at-home, sleep-all-through holiday, the only breaks allowed, being food breaks, but to my utmost aghast I had much more quiet time than I bargained for. Especially from the moment I got that horrific news that the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) call up letter had been released for prospective corpers to access.

Miss Maverick - Biography

Miss Maverick

Guest Post.

She is as radiant as the sun, as lustrous as the moon and as resplendent as the rainbow. She is finely cut, grace-laden, an epitome of glitz and glamour and an unequivocal embodiment of beauty. She's imbued with promising prospects, an houri endowed with succinct elegance plus an exemplar of brainy. She is a product of God's finesse in carving out an alluring being. Her enchanting smiles is capable of melting the "stoniest" of hearts. Her vocals reminds one of the tuneful nightingale. In addition, her fleckless vertical projections depicts the subtle handiwork of Mother Nature. As if all the afore-stated cannot suffice, she is self-acclaimed as Miss Maverick, a sobriquet befitting her eminence.

UNILAG: On a Lighter note, there are 9 Types of Exam Invigilators in Unilag

Recounting my ordeals at the University of Lagos with the types of Invigilators I encountered in the Exam Halls...

1. The ones who will praise the first student to submit his booklet making every other students look like they know nothing. “Woooooow !!!Do you mean you have finished?”
They will face other students and say “can you see your life?, he finished within an hour, that is a well prepared student”.

2. The ones who will keep telling you the history of their lives, how they performed excellently amongst their peers when they were in University.
* if I hear*

3. The ones forming James Bond in the hall.
They will start giving testimonies of how many students they have caught cheating and have been rusticated **wetin concern us with that one ?**

4. The ones who will collect your question paper, go through the questions and shake their heads pitifully without saying anything.

5. The ones who will glance at your answer booklet and they will ask why your booklet is blank. “Didn’t you read for this exam ?”
**Abeg swerve go left jor**

6. The ones who will never accept your apology if you are caught cheating. The moment you are caught cheating, just start thinking of what else to do with your leave of absence

7. The ones who are very sensitive: Try communicate with any student and they will change your seat, you keep wondering how smart they really are to have noticed you.

8. The ones who are very gentle and friendly. At the start of the exam, they will plead with you not to disturb but gives you access to teach yourselves and even watches other invigilators for you.

These ones are students favourite*Me like too*

9. The ones who will force you to submit even if you still have an hour left. They will tell you “what are you still writing when all your mates have submitted?”

Which of them annoy you the most?

By Dapo Babalola

IMPORTANT FACTS our President elect should not forget - by Gbadamosi Bidemi

Muhammadu Buhari

It is no longer news that fate has decided to smile on erstwhile military dictator, Muhammadu Buhari on his fourth successive quest for political supremacy. Even Darasimi, a boisterous 3-year old in my vicinity keeps chanting "Sai Buhari" intermittently as the Daura born austere president - elect is set to assume the mantle of leadership come May 29.  The unprecedented outcome of the presidential polls is borne out of the fact that this is the very first time a dogged

opposition (the All Progressive Congress) will wrestle power away from the incumbent party. This further attest to the fact that the electorate should not be marginalised as they dictate the tune with their statutory franchise.

Xenophobia: an ugly phenomena with a fine name - Gbadamosi Bidemi

Guest Post

In the wake of the dastardly assaults on immigrants in Durban, South Africa, 
initial reports had it that incendiary utterances credited to Zulu king Goodwill Zwelithini fanned the embers of hate and animosity, subsequently triggering off the Xenophobic(or afrophobic) havoc wrecked on foreign nationals. The traumatized comprises of Nigerians, Somalis, Kenyans, Zambians, Mozambicans amongst others. 
However, the Monarch has come out to refute the purported pronouncements. He emphasized that he was misquoted by journalists and other media personnel hence holding them culpable. He further affirmed that if he had actually uttered such inflammatory remarks about foreign nationals taking most of the jobs available - to the indigenes' detriment, the entire place would have been reduced to ashes as of now. It can be recounted that in 2008, a similar mayhem on similar grounds occurred in the South African country, claiming scores of lives in Johannesburg's townships. The recent spate of brutality has claimed at least seven lives, seen shops, factories, workshops and establishments looted, torched and vandalised with no remorse whatsoever. All these property were owned by the victimised foreigners. 

Virginity and Marriage

Virginity and Marriage

Generally used to depict a state of purity and stainlessness, the word 'virginity' however becomes more important once it is used to refer to the state of human sexuality, chastity and morality.

Cracked Story - This is not a Love story

Note: This is not a love story.

Cracked Story

Sometimes, you just wear your Armour of indifference, making me feel depressed in the process. Whenever i complain, you never bother to usher reasonable responses, you just blab around, messing up the whole situation with a lot of soothing words.

The other day, you came home just when the long hand of the clock consummated with the short hand, both pointing at twelve. What you would never know was that i had spent the past three hours of that evening, nursing my fears, which grew consummately with the thickening darkness of an evening proceeding into night.
You claim to remember only the roaring hoarseness of my voice, the fury and the blinding slap which lightened up your head in a million glittery pieces. Till today, you still claim you saw stars, but all i saw was the errors of your ways.

For once, you never gave change a chance in your life, fool-hardily, you progressed incorrigibly through each day, raising my blood pressure with each of your actions and dipping my soul in the salty ocean of your deprivation. I bore with you, throughout each show of shame, you were hell-bent, never giving up on the error of your ways, i never gave up on you either.

Letter to a withering Petal

My dear,

i'm scared of your beauty, which like sugar attracts all sorts of creatures, mammals and insects alike.

The other day, both of us walked down the street. I was by your side, watching your swinging hips and matching your sexy legs stride by stride.

You may not know, but that calm evening, when the sun had hidden behind the shade of the clouds, we strolled the streets of Ikeja G.R.A, from Country club to Isaac John. The ear pods where glued to each of your ears, and the only thing you could hear, were not the subtle catcalls and the fetish whispers by the bums on the street. I know this for a surety because the voice of Trey Songz; your favourite artiste was enough to hold you captive for a zillion years. The last time i complained about how you dedicated so much time to a dude who only existed in your iPod, to the detriment of I, you whispered in very apologetic tones, you said, "His songs are so soothing, they calm my nerves" but all i heard was "He calms my nerves". I guess my musky voice upsets your stomach then.

That day however, your eyes still served you right, so you would clearly remember when that bearded dude driving an LR3, slowed to a stop in front of us, no in front of you and absented his eyes from me and our entwined hands. He claimed to need directions, although all his attention was fixed on your oval face and gigantic boobs at the same time. He ravished you with a lusty gaze, but i stood there like a rock, acting unfazed by this affront on my masculinity. Remember you told me to always keep my cool, after that day when my fist had loosened the tooth of that fool who whistled at your butt.

The Story of Stories

THE STORY OF STORIES

I want to tell a story; to grab a pen and sketch a tale in blues, to grab a thought, dole it out into liveable characters and stream their thoughts through my thoughts. I will give it life, plausible existence welling from my imaginations, form a world constructed in words and give life beyond the life I’ve been given. The tale might be beyond or below my existence, but it whelms would be far from the mundanely existences that clouds my bay and I would strive to imagine beyond sight, beyond senses and beyond the natural occurrences of this world, even the mystified ones. Yet my tale must be plausible.

For sensibility, thought is required, as thoughts are streamlined in tunes of senses, emotions and contemplations. But for plausibility, relativity is required, and relativity is self, perception and a merger of senses, knowledge and understanding. Now I wonder if plausibility is beyond imaginations or if imaginations are beyond plausibility, if a man’s believability is relative to his imaginations, or to his knowledge; the scope of his understanding.

6 Things You Should Know About Easter

1. What is Easter?
Easter is the most important Christian festival. Christians
are followers of Jesus Christ who lived about 2000 years
ago in a country called Palestine. They believe that Jesus
was the son of God. At Easter time Christians remember
the last week of Jesus' life.

2. Origin of the name Easter
The name, “Easter” comes from a goddess: Her name was Eostre
and She was the Mother Goddess of the Saxons of Northern Europe.
She was, according to Grimm (yes, one of those Grimms), “goddess
of the growing light of spring.” One interesting theory posits that
Eostre was the embodiment of the bright, growing half of the year
while Holda was the cold, dark winter personified. The dates of
Easter are so close to Walpurgisnacht that they may have been
concurrent at one time, the night giving way to the first day of
Summer. This would make Ostara (the German name for Her
holiday) a time of transition. Early in the history of Christianity,
many pagan observances were adapted for the new faith. The early
missionaries discovered that it was easier to get converts to
celebrate a new name than it was a new date.

3. The White House and Easter
“The White House Easter Egg Roll” event has been celebrated by
the President of the United States and their families since 1878.