Have you ever found yourself sitting comfortably in the 'friend zone'?

WHY???

“He asked me to marry him!” so you will tell me. You would have meant it as a question but I know you never miss the emphasis, every time you ask me such questions. Maybe it’s your way of continuously making me responsible for all your decisions since our first year in the university, or your way of keeping me involved in your life, your choices, your decisions, anything and everything you ever have to do, even the ones you know I have no interest.

Remember the time you told me, or rather asked me that you want to date him, and I know you knew that I’ll consent to it, you knew I’ll be objective and considerate, you knew that it’ll shorten the time we’ve been used to spending together every day under the shades around my hostel, and you knew that your relationship with him might even threaten our friendship. Yet you asked me anyway, in the consciousness of my knowledge,

pushing me to the brink of myself where I always cave to your desires, since I seem to never be sure of mine. “I told him we are just friends and I can never date him. But then I thought, who would I rather date than someone I know so well, I don’t think I’m ready to let in a stranger at this point in my life.” You may not remember but those were your words. You were telling me about me in the stead of another, in a light that shone so bright on my shadow, but we both knew you weren’t referring to me, even though I am the man in your life, the one you claim to know more than anyone else.

“You know I don’t want to have an opinion on who you choose to date or not, but I think he’s a great guy, and he must really like you to have waited this long. I know I can’t wait that long for anyone.” Those were my words but I’ve waited for you even longer, I may never have asked you out, but we’ve been in and out together since we became friends. I just never know what I really want, and you know I still don’t.

Oh! You told me you had broken up, for reasons best kept between us. And you said it wasn’t the first time you had broken up and made up again. I knew your fears but you told me about them again and we laughed about the hilarious parts. I wasn’t thrilled you broke up with him, I was scared. I was scared we may not be able to resist the seeming truth, I was scared I’ll become attached again, that he’ll be gone from your life and you’ll have all the time for me. For reasons still beyond me, I always fear my feelings for you. But you were back with him, and I had hoped the fate might yet still elude me.

How could I be with you when I never was? How could you be my priority when you are somebody else’s? How could you cloud my life when you radiate around another? For minute reasons I chose to live my life away from yours, to live without you in my last semester in school and have a life with another, when I can only seldom miss your dramas. But when we talked again, you only made me see that my emotions are fatedly tied to you, that I run because I fear they’ll grow beyond my control, and you are my greatest care; even when I have no care. I didn’t want to believe, but I sat, listen and talked. “I have missed you!” those were my eventual words.

“I told my mother about him!” You told me again, but did I have to know? Did you have to rub it through my consent and make me part of this? Did I have to be a part of your life with him too? I wish I could ask you these questions but I kept listening. “She asked me the intent of our relationship and I told her marriage. In a way that I meant it!” “Oh! You guys are that serious?” I could only ask. “I think we are. He had asked me the same question my Mother asked but I hadn’t given him a reply till I told him about what I said to my mother. He seems really happy with that.” I guess I was happy for both of you too, yet you still talked about how they said one should marry her best friend. You think I don’t know that talk??
He’ll ask you to marry him and you’ll tell me about it, if time permits you might even rub it through my consent before you answer him “Yes”. And I’ll stare through your face and wish you a heartfelt congratulations, but there will always be a “Why” beneath my thoughts of you. “Why have I always been so afraid of our possibility?” I bet you know the answer, but I may never know. It’s the only thing you may never tell me.

Written by: Phemi D'apoet 
Email: Femidiipo@yahoo.com